Weeping may endure for the night…

Dear Baby,

Your life mattered. You were seen by God and you were formed by His hands. There was never a moment that you were an accident to Him and you were never unexpected. You were a perfect miracle–perfectly you. You were seen by human eyes when you were just 8 weeks and 5 days old, with a heartbeat of around 100. Before your mom went to the doctor to get an ultrasound, she was very afraid that she may have already lost you and the tears of sorrow and grieving had already started. But there was still hope that you were alive. An ultrasound would say for sure. But there was the unknown of what would happen if you were still alive. Would your heart keep beating after that day?

8 weeks 5 days old

The doctor, your mom, and one other person had the honor of seeing your tiny, perfect form. Your mom proudly told me, “A healthy baby, m’am.” When I asked her how she felt when she saw you, she started weeping and said, “Happy, m’am.” And all the love, sorrow, joy, and fear mingled together in her heart and her words and the battle for your life raged on. The battle for your mom’s life raged on too. Many were praying for her and for you, and I hated that your mom felt trapped and helpless; and I did everything I could to show her a way could be made, no matter what. She loved you.

You were loved

And the enemy hated God, and you, and your mom and he fought with all he had to take you and your mom down, to take life down. And I raged at the sadness and the darkness of it all, because your mom could not possibly know the pain and you were an innocent, beautiful life.

The autumn candle flickers silently and brightly in the dark now and my tears fall with your mom’s. You would have been born in the fall, at the end of October. You mattered and you are loved and you have not been lost to the darkness. And wonder of wonders, and joy of joys, your mom hasn’t been lost to the dark either.

While the enemy plotted and schemed, God plannned and planted, and you were given a name. Jeremiah. It means “raised by God.” I held onto hope that this name meant that courage and love would overcome it all and your mom would fully know that God would be the one to make a way for you to come into this world, but God knew. He made you and formed you and now He alone is the one to raise you. Your Heavenly Father, in perfect peace and love and safety.

I asked your mom if she had a feeling if you were a boy or a girl. She told me that she was wishing for a boy and she had always had a name picked out if she had a boy someday, with the meaning of gift, because you would be given to her by God. Your life was too short, but you were a true gift.

So, Jeremiah, the enemy’s head has been crushed, for you were not lost to this world. You were not lost to hopelessness. Your life was not snuffed out forever. And your mom….she knows there is a God who loves her and who loves you. And while the next part of this journey will pierce her like knives and almost tear her heart in two, God has already been planning redemption and healing. And when this vapor of a life is over, you will behold your mom and Jesus will hold you both. Healed, whole, and redeemed. It won’t be long, Jeremiah. But you probably already heard that from the One who made you.

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