No one’s life revolves around mine. Not my kids’ lives (my life revolves around theirs, right? :)) Not my closest friends’, and not even my husband’s. Not today on my birthday (I am 42 now), or any other day of the year. And that’s how life is for all of us. No human can meet all our needs and we can’t meet all of any other person’s needs. We are not at the center of any one person’s universe. I sit here with my journal on my birthday and these thoughts brew in my mind about our humanity as I am wondering about and pondering the thought that I in fact do know ONE whose life revolves around mine and it’s too insane and too good to be true.
Jesus. 24/7, He is available to meet my every single need. Able to carry all my burdens. Able to comfort me in all my pain. Able to answer all of my questions. Able to calm all my fears and worries. Able to understand me when no one else can. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my thoughts before I think them and my words before I speak them. He knows exactly what I need at just the right moment.
He speaks and moves in the deepest parts of my heart where no one but me can hear Him. He believes in me and reaches for me. He opens my eyes to see things that only He knows and only He can reveal. He makes me feel known and understood. He never judges me. He loves me enough to give me the great gift of seeing myself as I truly am, with all my weaknesses and faulty thinking, so that I can be free from captivity.
He gives me gifts year round–just because. And so that I can be filled with vision and purpose and can have a part in touching peoples’ lives and hearts. He gives me so much more than I could possibly handle. Sometimes to the point of drowning. But then He lifts me to walk on water to do the impossible. He takes my hand and leads me through my life. He is so gentle and kind. He never drags me along against my will. He waits for me. He never stops patiently waiting for me.
I can’t visibly see Him, but He lets me see Him every day through being a mom, especially of young ones. He lets me see Him in completely new ways through the journey of adoption. He loves me. I am like a toddler learning to walk and struggling to talk, and He loves me.
He gives me lyrics and music and big dreams. Sometimes too much at once. Sometimes just enough. But actually, always just right. He takes the swirly, spinning parts of my mind and calms the storm. He tells me He is enough and I am really starting to believe Him more and more. He tells me the world isn’t enough and I know now–but have so very far to go.
He has helped me to learn to receive his love for the last 41 years. And now He is helping me to love Him back, to really want to love Him. He has drawn it out of me—or rather, put it in me in the first place. I love because He first loved me. How he has wooed me all these years, and mostly in my pain. The intimate love of suffering companionship. He has walked with me into all the deep places of pain and wrestling and He sat with me for such a long time. He never got up, not once. He never sighed in frustration or impatience. He didn’t watch me struggle from afar. He sat with me. He asked all the right questions, said all the right things, and covered me with the most comforting blanket of silence and peace when He saw me writhing and striving and angsting.
He left the door open for me to escape the pain or the emotion or the calling. He never locked me in. But I couldn’t leave–He was beckoning me deeper. His deep calling to my deep and it was a spiritual knowing, an instinct, a response. Not a mind response. Not a purely human one. One that is in every person if we will let Him enlarge and deepen our hearts and spirits. It is us before time began and after time ends–our eternal longing and reaching, where no human words can suffice.
He took my desire to abide and surrender and change and answered it in all the foolish ways of the world. They make no human sense. But His love never has. The gift of receiving His love has been just that- a gift. It’s the best birthday present I could ever ask for–to be known and loved by Him every year, every day, until I meet Him face to face.
The wonder of His words that are never changing, but always changing for me. And this is only skimming the surface in comparison to the love, wisdom, peace, and joy that is available to us at all times, forever and ever. May I receive His love and His precious gifts, and know Him in more and more revelation and abundance this year, as I learn to love Him back. This is how my freedom, healing, and transformative journey began. And begins again.